The art of growing older is something we all have to develop so let’s take a look at what it involves. Let’s imagine for a moment that you have graduated from childhood and find yourself face to face with maturity and those awful things like ‘responsibilities’ and planning for the future!
Before I go any further, please note that this post is written to be slightly entertaining and not to be take too seriously, particularly the controversial bits around male and female roles in life!
I reckon that unless you are a professional football player or you are at the ‘magic’ level in some other physical sport, AND you are younger than 29 years old, you have probably not even thought about getting older. However, within a year or so it will hit you… the dreaded 30!!
Certainly, you will receive a warning from the ‘back-pain’ maker in the sky.It will say that you had better be careful or you will be locked in a stooped position for at least another 20 years. The ‘maker’ will have given you a full set of twinges and a couple of crippling pains to show you what life will be like if you don’t heed his warning. Why not take notice and start preparing?
As the clock chimes midnight on your 30th birthday, you will be briefed about getting older
by your best friends who are only wanting to cement their relationship with you by being totally honest! After the birthday party has ended you will be constantly looking over your shoulder for the next alert and peering into the mirror to see if things are starting to change around your eyes and, of course, your neck! You will do this routinely for about 5-years before realising that you could be using your time better to prevent your bits falling off during the aging process. Of course, if you are a man you will have to pretend that nothing is out of your control… you will live forever without maintenance!
Women have a dreadful time around 30; their whole world could collapse and cause serious harm to their ego and self confidence; some women even change the colour of their nail varnish to reflect that a personal disaster has happened to them, a bit like wearing a black arm-band.
There is something to be learned from this build-up of shock to your system, the pain you endure and the reactions from close friends to your appearance and well-being … learning the right things and acting upon them is definitely a skill, if not an art.
The Art Of Growing Older has, up until now, been all tied up with wisdom and common sense,
something we are all born with but rarely use. Deep within our DNA is a little bug that needs to be woken up or activated within about six months of us entering this complex world of cell growth and decay. This awakening is not automatic AT THE MOMENT but scientists are working on it to take over during the current or next generation (about 40-50 years). They are expected to pull the right levers in the DNA factory and keep all ‘newbies’ alive for at least 1,000 years!
OMG!! I had better get myself that new Porsche afterall. This new life is going to cost me a fortune if I’m to make the most of staying young for a few more hundred years! Imagine being able to play football until I’m 376 years old… it could take me 20 years to tell my mates all about it.
What about the girls? Well, I suppose you will be able to get into the same dress for a few decades instead of just once (a definite saving), but it will probably impact the art of shopping in a number of negative ways… I can see the next move will be for girls to be given a credit card implant at birth!
The art of growing older is being taken away from us hunter-gatherer men by an army of female scientists who are hell-bent on escaping from our snare that keeps them under our control… so we must fight back. Clearly, these women in fashion-label white coats have infiltrated the labs and taken a leading role to extend the ‘happy days’ of life. On the face of things it looks reasonable, but think of the dangers to world peace if men were manipulated to work beyond the age of 65. Imagine our current leaders being granted an extension of, say, 325 years in power! Men simply want to work for a short time, keeping their finger on the button, and then go fishing!
Obviously, women want to keep us men topping up their credit cards for centuries while 
they wear down our will to live (not work) and they fund a flotilla of Mercedes shopping cars for every day of the week. We must NOT let this happen; we should keep our current ways of growing older with the only controls set by men who know how to recognise when to give up the struggle to look young. Us men even know when to grow silver hair to the side of our heads as a sign that we have vast experience and are definitely in control! We will never need to extend our so called ‘useful life’ beyond its present range unless, that is, we need a few more years chasing the girls and some more time describing our tactics!
For someone to write an authoritative book on ‘the art of growing older’ is possibly the best way to settle the dust over the different perspectives- male and female. Unless or until that happens, I will have to be careful to avoid becoming too controversial. Meanwhile, I shall enjoy learning from the experiences of both men and women… assuming it fires you up enough to write me some comments!
These are questions I would like you to address before I feel the urge to scribe a few notes on them myself:
1. The male and female desire to be ‘physical’?
2. What about our teeth and their possible replacement at birth?
3. Making the most of our grey matter?
4. The female clock and giving birth at 100+
5. An extension of the mortgage period?
6. Free eye tests for someone in their 650s?
7. Health care systems, will they be a thing of the past?
8. No food, only drink to keep you healthy for 1,000 years, Guaranteed?
9. Fast cars for people in their 500s?
10. Removal of the hair-cut gene, eliminating the need for haircuts?
Please tell me if you think these subjects could be worthy chapters for a book called “The Art Of Growing Older”?
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